Friday, May 6, 2011

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time in the ghetto there was a baby mamma. Baby mamma lived in a big giant ghetto apartment building with crappy shag carpenting, stains on the wall, and several crackheads next door.

One night, when baby mamma, swollen and pregnant with child number six had a dream. In her dream, her little girl would have all the fancy things in life that she never had. Light switches that always worked, a refridgerator with a working light bulb, real human hair in her weave, and baby daddy for her children that would never be in prison.

Thus the idea to name the baby inside of her something magical and beautiful that the entire world and everything in it good and lovely would embrace:


And now you know the origins of the first "Gold Tooth Fairy."

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Your mother doesn't love you.

At one point or other we were all babies. Your parent(s) looked down upon your fresh, new, chubby cheeked face brand new to the world and everything in it. It was at that point you were gazed up and bestowed with a moniker, a name that you would be linked to for the rest of your life. Some names are given as tributes to loved ones to honor them. Some names are passed down from generation to generation as tradition. Other names are amalgams of multiple names as a way to make sure everyone that loves you is included in being a part of you, a brand new human being.

Then your mother passed gas and named you "Fartina." Thus proving to the world that you really weren't wanted anyway.


Becoming a parent is a blessing, one that comes with many emotions and hormones. You will make mistakes, this is certain. This blog is here to make sure that you don't make your first and most painful mistake the mistake of naming your kid something shitty. We all know you love yourself and your baby daddy/mamma. We all know you love the street you lived on when you were 10, the country your granddad came from, favorite fruit (We're judging you Gwyneth Paltrow) and your car. Do not use these things as legos in the building block of bad baby naming.

We welcome submissions as long as they are REAL names that can be substantiated. No he said, she said, my cousin told me stuff here. We are to make real examples of real people and real poor decision making from parents.

I see you Mariah Carey. For shame.